Outside my box

So what is this sad event I spoke about in my last post? To share I'll give you a little background history. My husband and I will have our 13th anniversary this year. When we married I was 20 and he was 22. We had a life plan that we loosely followed. He had a year of college to finish and I worked full time. Once he graduated and established in his career I went to college myself. After I graduated we bought a house and celebrated our 7 year anniversary and were ready to start trying for a family. 3 months later we were pregnant. At the 12 week check we found that the baby didn't have a heart beat anymore. It was so very devastating for us as we didn't know anyone who had experienced this before. There was just no answer as to why it happened. People didn't know how to talk to us. Everyone sort of stepped back from us and left us to ourselves. It was a time that there was a darkness that could have taken me over if I allowed it to. But I didn't allow it to. We decided to try again and 3 more months later we were pregnant again. This pregnancy went very well. I was a full time RN running around the hospital floor at the time and at 39 weeks went into labor. After a long day he and I got into major distress and had to have an emergency c-section. Our son was born health and perfect. I however had a complication in that my bladder had been totally punctured and needed to be repaired. All went well with that and I went home with my husband, new baby and a catheter (for 2 weeks) all healed very well in time:) when our son was 18 months old we tried again and got pregnant of course. And lost that baby at 8 1/2 weeks. After this loss we went through testing of all kinds and everything looked normal. The one that did ton to look normal was that I came back with the MTHFR gene mutation. We went to the fertility doctor found out the treatment and went on our way. In the mean time we had gotten pregnant and lost our 4 the pregnancy at 6 weeks. Once i started the treatment we were pregnant the next month and all went smoothly. Praise The Lord! At 34 weeks we had a strange hiccup of my water breaking and delivering our sweet daughter that same day. But after a week in the NICU she was healthy and full time breast feeding wonderfully. Today our son is 4 and our daughter is 16 months old. On her 1 year birthday we discovered that we were pregnant again. We started the usual treatment of the low dose blood thinner, Rx folgard, progesterone, all the usuals. All looked very well and we found out the baby is a boy. A little over 17 weeks I was not feeling well and went into the doctor. We found out again that he had no heartbeat. W have never had a second trimester loss before so this time around was totally different from the d&c's of the past. We went into the hospital to deliver. The cytotec medicine usually kicks a woman's body into gear in about 3 doses. However after 6 mine was still staying put. It was not moving anywhere in the right direction. So we ended up with another surgery. A d&e this time. Which was for me more painful. But recovery was still about the same. Like I said its only been 4 weeks and I and struggling with it. I have a lot of moments. I simply cannot believe it's all over. Already! We had so many plans and all of the sudden he's gone. My daughter weaned from breast feeding a couple of weeks before that and I cannot believe I'm not Brestfeeding or pregnant anymore. Everything reminds me that I'm not pregnant. That I have lost him. That he's not with me anymore. Our son had a very hard time the first 3 weeks and is now back in a normal routine. He wouldn't do anything alone. Not even go to the bathroom alone. Would not sleep alone. Cried when he had to go back to preschool and church again. (Which he never does) he talked to his teachers about his baby brother going to heaven. I spend a lot of time in prayer about healing for me. I am not and have never been bothered by life moving on. My wonderful husband and amazing littles help me so much to move on. So for now I am doing things that I hadn't been doing. Whitening my teeth, exercising. Weird things like that. I have changed my eating habits and cut out sweets, all carbonated drinks and eating more fruits and vegetables. (Have you seen the thing that makes noodles out of squash and zucchini? It's so great!!) so that's our story. I titled this post outside my box because I am naturally a private person. (I don't even have a Facebook page) but if I can help anyone who is going through this as well then it is worth it to post it out there for all to read.